okay , so what the hell is this feeling i've been feeling? i don't fuckin like it. as a matter of fact , it's tearing me a part to the point where i just want to lose it. its him isn't it ? he has got me so into him that i'm even admitting it myself. i don't do that, i'm not 'soft', i dont show emotional effections towards noone or anyone, why must it show now? this isn't funny anymore. it actually kinda hurts. i actuallly kinda miss him. i actually kinda teared just looking back at the pictures. am i finally really loosing it? why must i feel so much negative emotions. i feel so mad, sad, and neglected. i was completely fine, a week ago, and now .. im such a wreck. i usually move forward and don't look back. this isn't me. or maybe it really is me and i've just been hiding behind an emotionless protection to prevent others from seeing how i really feel. i try to keep myself occupied to keep me from thinking of him, clearly .. it's not working out. i talked this situation out with several others, and it came to suprise to them. the way im responding to the situation is not normal, according to them. he just called. in a quick minute , my heart raced like no tomorrow knowing that he still had the time to call me. is this the most corniest shit i've ever written? yes .. why do i sound like this? why am i writting like this? why must i be so .. emo? because i really do miss him. because i really do have feelings for him. because its really hurting me. we can't remain 'friends with benefits' forever. i actually really don't want that as a title. its hurting me. i want a final decision. its either we're friends, or we're together. on the realdem, i miss having a boyfriend. i miss knowing i'll always have that one person to turn to at anytime of the day. i miss having someone check up on me just because. i miss having that rush, the rush i get when he constantly calls, says ' i miss you' , says ' love you '. i miss looking forward to seeing him when he says he'd come over, and i miss the time i came home and to a suprise , he was there waiting for me. but a decision has to be made. clearly, he is not looking for anything serious, and clearly.. he doesn't want to get in a relationship, we at least not with me, unless he says otherwise .. which i doubt. so from the looks of things .. i guess , we shall remain as friends. :(
